I 'ope ya guys're okay with gift cards. Easiest fuckin' things ta get fer people. Makes 'em 'appier, too, 'cause they can get what they want instead of ya 'avin' ta coordinate with everyone 'n their damn mothers so ya don't get them the same fuckin' thing.

'appened ta me before, yeah.

If ya were gonna get somethin' fer a good friend of yers, what would it be? That's not a gift card. Somethin' more personal.

It's too fuckin' early fer Christmas shit. I can barely walk two feet before I see lights or ornamented trees or gift wrap. Makes me want ta just stay out of the States until December's over.

Soon the stores'll just 'ave their shit out before 'alloween.

Well that fuckin' sucked.

So the Geese went on a job in Malaysia. We 'ad ta find 'n secure some "sensitive cargo" then deliver it to a contact up in Russia. It was actually pretty damn easy. We smoked the fuckers 'n got out of there like lightenin'. Thing is, I think there was somethin' livin' inside those crates. We'd 'ear low growls and whispers from 'em. Not 'uman-like, no, but somethin' similar it.

Oh well, job's done. I got paid, I'm 'appy.

Was out killin' guys with the Geese, yea-

NOTHIN' HAPPENED WITH ME 'N DOROCHET ALRIGHT? NOTHIN'!

New York was fine. Completely. Rummy, ya got a shirt. Dorochet, ya got a replica dinosaur bone. Compso-somethin'.

I'll be in my room, with some booze.

Yeah, Australia. One less mob boss there now. More importantly, can someone tell me what the fuck crawled up Rummy's ass 'n died? Fucker gave me a clip filled with fuckin' silver bullets. Not to mention he's been sulkin' 'round 'n bein' too damn quiet.

Did one of ya bastards give 'im 'erpes?

Well that fuckin' suck- ah fuck it. C'est pas grave.*

Rummy, I'm ready ta be released. Ya comin' back ta get me or am I gonna 'ave ta walk? 'Cause I dunno if they'd let me take the wheelchair.

((*It doesn't matter.))

Bought one of those doggy balls from that Abe kid fer ya, Rummy. It's on the couch.

I'm gonna go find a woman since my manliness seems ta be in question. I'll 'opefully be back in a few. If not... Well, don't look fer me.

[Locked from Rummy]
I'd like some ideas on 'ow ta get back at Rummy. Prank or somethin'. Some of ya can be creative.
[/lock]

Yeah, I'm back from a job. Sure yer all glad ta see me.

Now, I fuckin' 'ate Africa. I turn down most of the offers I get ta work there. But this job was payin' preeee-tty damn good, so we went fer it. Just 'ad ta track down this fugitive from Europe who'd fled ta the Côte d'Ivoire 'n decapitate 'im. Easy work. Well, what they didn't tell us was that 'e 'ad 'is own personal army stashed away down there. The Geese never fail ta bite, 'n we decimated 'is troops after 'bout a day of 'ard battle. Only lost 'bout 6 Geese, 20 injured, 'cludin' myself 'cause a guy blew a few chunks outta my left arm. Fuckin' 'urts ta type, but eh.

Got 'is 'ead, got paid, 'n now I'm gonna find a nice bar 'n a change of bandages.

Fuckin' nice ta get some exercise after gettin' fat at Rummy's flat. I'm back with my Geese fer the moment, but maybe I'll 'ead back ta Rummy's fer the New Year. We're in Maryland still anyways. Feels nice ta be in my own damn clothes! With my weapons 'n my hat... 'N everythin' fits me again.

'N 'ey, if I shot ya... well, ya deserved it fer messin' with Santa. Fuck ya.

I'm gonna go find some boobies ta fondle.

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! Last Thursday I committed genocide... Sorry about that, monarch_the (-5000 points). In March I farted in an elevator (-6 points). Last Sunday I invaded Iraq, broke it, and couldn't glue it back together before Mom got home (-1012 points). Last Monday I bought porn for eighth_storm (-10 points). Last Friday on a flight to Bangladesh, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-6068 points). For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal! Sincerely, smokingmerc

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

Fuck, wish that all was true! 'Cept fer gettin' the coal.

Don't even know what the fuck 'appened last night! One minute I was doin' my thing, whippin' up some Chinese takeout in my boxers while the Geese'ere out on the town, then BAM! I'm in fuckin' who-knows-where, surrounded by bitches! 'N the fuckin' Homocycle's there too, but 'e don't count. So I, naturally, get drunk 'n probably felt up. 'N humiliated, but I really don't wanna talk 'bout that. I kinda remember feelin' up this one bitch, think she 'ad black hair? I dunno. All I know's wakin' up this mornin' with a 'eadache the size of Asia 'n... fuck. Fuck ya bitches fer doin' that ta a straight man.

Rummy, where ever ya are, I'm comin', 'n ya better 'ave some fuckin' hard-ass booze waitin'.

The guys and I got asked ta do 'nother strike in the Middle East. Almost turned the fucker down, 'cause hey, I don't wanna get my ass fried by some crazy shitheads 'cause of oil or whatever the hell they're after down there. But pay was lookin' preeee-tty good, so we went fer it.

Stupidest idea of my life. Employer was a shitty competitor who tried ta be Master Smartypants and trap us. Well, I ain't the kinda guy that gets fooled by a poorly disguised morceau de merde! Long story short, he won't be competition anymore, heh heh heh. Asshole went down hard. Took his money, bought more cigs, and had a little fun on the side with some women.

Looks like I'll be havin' more fun later with a freckled vixen. Hope she can find me.